Like life is passing me by as I try to keep up with it, but no matter what I do, I stay in the same place.
I buried my grandmother this week. My last living grandparent. The grandparent who was my parents age when my parents had my siblings and me. The circle of life is hitting a bit too close to home this week.
This funeral was hard. So hard. So good to see all of my family. But so hard to say goodbye.
My parents are getting older. I'm getting older. The gray hairs on my dog's muzzle seem to multiply every month. Everything seems to hit just a little bit harder. It's all a little bit more serious.
I haven't touched my bar study materials in a week. The bar exam is now in 38 days. Shit.
I feel like I've lost the ability to see joy in the world. How can that be on a day like today that is so beautiful with the waves in the Sound, the sun shining after a week of snow and white, puffy clouds dancing across the sky?
I know I need to give myself time, but it feels like I've tried that and I'm back here again. Stuck. Continuously moving and not getting anywhere.
And just when I think that at least I'm doing ok and can keep it together on the outside, B shows me this and I lose it. Back to crying the tears that I've cried all this week and month.
Everyone says it will get better. And I have faith that it will. It would just be nice to know when.
When Mr. EB and I first started planning our wedding we had a lot of discussions about what we wanted it to feel like. We wanted the focus to be on our family and our friends - our community coming together to support our love and our relationship.
That was one of the reasons why it was so important to us that we had more of a weekend event where so many people were able to stay in one place. That way people got to know each other at the welcome dinner and bonfire and felt like they were catching up with friends when they ran into each other at breakfast and lunch on Saturday. By the time the actual wedding came, new friendships had formed, prior friendships had deepened, and we felt the love and support of our entire community.
My grandmother had had some health scares and we weren't sure if she was going to be able to make the cross-country trip to Washington for our wedding. She, however, was determined that she wouldn't miss it, and sure enough, she made it. The staff at IslandWood were absolutely amazing the whole weekend, making sure that my grandmother was comfortable and that the golf cart was available any time she needed it to get around the property. Because of that, my grandmother had a wonderful time getting to know my husband and his family and friends, catching up with her own family, and I have the memories of seeing her happily toasting with my parents during our reception.
The best part was that she was as involved with all of the activities that we had planned for the weekend as anyone. She hosted my bridesmaid luncheon with my aunts.
She made a fishprint for our quilt (which I just realized I haven't talked about yet, but I will!).
She enjoyed the reception as much as anyone, and was up bright and early the next morning for brunch at my parents house.
Unfortunately, a few weeks ago it became clear that my grandmother's health was failing again and it was unlikely she would bounce back this time. She passed away last Friday, surrounded by all of her children and loved by so many.
Grandma and her six children
Nearly all of my grandmother's 12 grandchildren and their spouses
She was a wonderful woman and as we all gather this week to celebrate her life, I am reminded again just how grateful I am for the memories of her smiling and hugging me, so happy that I had found Mr. EB and so excited about all that was to come for us.
Today was one of those days that you feel like a kid - you wake up and it's SNOWING! Sure it wasn't sticking, but it was still pretty. Then all of a sudden - it's STICKING! And it's snowing harder!
And while it's fun to play in, of course that's also when my adult side has to start reminding me of the fact that I have to fly out tomorrow and what if the roads all turn to ice and what if, what if, what if.
We live near the bottom of a pretty steep one lane road. I was wondering if they would shut it to traffic when we got snow, and apparently they do!
Luckily the snow has mostly stopped and the roads should be ok tomorrow (here's hoping the airport is too!). So this afternoon B, Cody and I enjoyed a fun walk down the waterfront, tossing snowballs at the dog and just generally acting like kids.
I feel like I'm in a holding pattern in a variety of ways right now. My grandmother continues to slide, but is still holding on. I am very, very grateful that my mom is able to be there with her (and has been since a couple of days after Christmas). My grandmother is an amazing woman who lived a pretty incredible life (she was born in China, was the first woman council member in her city, raised six amazing kids and ensured that all of her grandchildren got to spend two weeks with each other every summer on the beach. Among the many other things she did in her nearly 94 years).
There are also other things going on that I can't really talk about here and now. They have to do with that part of my life that I don't speak about very publicly here. Which is a shame, because as a topic itself I love talking about careers. But I just don't feel like I can talk about mine. I may not use my name here, but this is hardly an anonymous blog (hello, pictures of me and my family everywhere!). Still, I'm hoping at some point to work a little more career talk in here - if not mine specifically, then about career paths more generally. Mine has been somewhat of a doozy, but I can't imagine that's all that unique in this day and age.
And I'm on a vague no-alcohol-sort-of-paleo diet this month. Except not really as the alcohol bit has been challenged several times, and will likely be challenged several more times before February. At least I am sticking to the no-drinking-on-a-regular-basis-during-the-week plan. Which was really the main point anyway. And then B made banana bread today and it was delicious (and also not my first cheat away from paleo this month either. Oh well). I am sticking with P90X, so that's been good. But I'm just feeling a little meh, and I'm not really clear on how to snap myself out of that.
So for now, I'm just hoping that several things will come together in short order so that I can feel like I'm moving forward again.
Update 1/13/12: I found out earlier this evening that my grandmother passed away today. She was a wonderful woman and I will be sharing much more about her in due time.
For now I'm toasting to her wonderful life and preparing to head to North Carolina to celebrate her with my family. Thank you all for your thoughts for my family.
Well. I hit my breaking point on Friday. I knew it was coming. I just wasn't sure when. Luckily B is extremely good about being there for me when I'm sobbing so hard I can't see straight.
I'm better now. Really.
It's no one thing that did it, but rather a combination of things.
My grandmother is extremely ill - to the point where I'm waiting for the phone call at any time from my mom. Luckily my mom and all of her siblings are able to be back with my grandmother during this time. I know that it's time (she's 93 and has lived a wonderful life), but it's still hard. She's my last living grandparent, and it's hard to realize that soon she won't be here anymore. I have so many things to say about her, but for now I'll leave you with this photo from our wedding.
At our wedding - I'm so glad that she was well enough to travel and able to be there with all of us.
My job is... well, I am employed and for that I'm grateful. But two of my favorite colleagues have accepted jobs elsewhere, and their last day is this Friday. And I'm feeling a little bit adrift with my career situation right now - unsure of what my position should be and how to make it what I think would be best for myself and the company.
Oh, and did I mention I was studying for the bar exam? Yeah... that. I've done it once so I'm not nearly as scared as I was the first time, but it's a lot of work. Every day (except Sundays!) I need to be studying. And there are only so many hours in a day to get everything done.
And I started P90X again last week. This is a good thing as I know how much I need to be working out. But I'm tired, sore, and so far no change on the scale (or the way my pants fit). Hate that there isn't an immediate change, even though I know not to expect it. Except that my husband can do the same thing and he drops at least 5 pounds in a week. Sigh.
Now, just so you don't think it's all bad around here, there are several other things that are going on which I'm actually really excited about. But those things are causing me anxiety just from the simple fact that should they come to fruition, life will change. And as I believe I've mentioned once or twice, change is tough for me.
All of this stress (both the good stuff and the hard) came to a head last Friday. I don't often hit that point so hard, but when I do, it has to go somewhere, and for me it's generally in the form of tears. Tears have always been my body's way of dealing with any extreme emotion, for better or worse.
So for now, I will take each day as it comes and do my best to create positive changes for myself and my family.
And prepare for my trip back to North Carolina as it will likely be coming soon.
I'm a Northwest girl who spends my time goofing around with my husband, B, and our dog, Cody, hiking, traveling and enjoying great local wine and beer. We got married in February, 2011 and planned a wedding that showcased the best of what the Pacific Northwest has to offer. I also love photography, beating B at Mario Kart and watching the most ridiculous natural disaster flicks you can think of (seriously, how can you deny the awesomeness that is The Core or 2012? That's right, you can't).