Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Drifting

I was thinking the other day how life right now feels a bit like it's drifting by me (and yes, I realize this is a both relevant to and at odds with my last post). But it's as though things have flattened out for me a bit in the last month or so - the highs are not as high and the lows are not as low. I say that because I was re-reading some of my posts from a few months ago, and especially after my grandmother died, wow was I in a low point. And it still surprises me just how hard her death hit me, and how bad of a head space I was in.


Thankfully, it didn't last long. Not to say I'm over the moon joyful and excited about everything now, but that I feel like I'm back to my "normal" (while there may be no true normal out there, I do believe that we each have our own version of normal which I'm happy to say I've found again). Sure there are lots of things in my life that aren't going how I want them to, but at least my head is back to a point where I can deal with them.


But that brings me back to thinking about how different my life is now then what I imagined when I was a little girl. Does this happen to everyone? To think about what your life will be like and wake up one morning and wonder what happened? Again, not that my life is bad in any way - I quite like my life and the direction that it's gone. But the reality is fairly different from what I imagined it would be. 


I've learned to be ok with that. And I'm (still) learning to understand that since this is the only life I get (no matter how much I joke about what I must have done in past lives, I don't actually believe in reincarnation), I need to make it count. I'm not entirely certain how best to do that as I drift along right now, but I do know that I need to be more purposeful with my life. Figure out what I want and go for it rather than feeling as though I'm only reacting to outside forces.


And realizing that even though I may not have what 10-year-old me thought I would want, what I do have is pretty darn spectacular. And remembering to be grateful for it every single day is just as important as anything else I do.

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