I feel stuck.
Like life is passing me by as I try to keep up with it, but no matter what I do, I stay in the same place.
I buried my grandmother this week. My last living grandparent. The grandparent who was my parents age when my parents had my siblings and me. The circle of life is hitting a bit too close to home this week.
This funeral was hard. So hard. So good to see all of my family. But so hard to say goodbye.
My parents are getting older. I'm getting older. The gray hairs on my dog's muzzle seem to multiply every month. Everything seems to hit just a little bit harder. It's all a little bit more serious.
I haven't touched my bar study materials in a week. The bar exam is now in 38 days. Shit.
I feel like I've lost the ability to see joy in the world. How can that be on a day like today that is so beautiful with the waves in the Sound, the sun shining after a week of snow and white, puffy clouds dancing across the sky?
I know I need to give myself time, but it feels like I've tried that and I'm back here again. Stuck. Continuously moving and not getting anywhere.
And just when I think that at least I'm doing ok and can keep it together on the outside, B shows me this and I lose it. Back to crying the tears that I've cried all this week and month.
Everyone says it will get better. And I have faith that it will. It would just be nice to know when.