Saturday, January 21, 2012

Stuck

I feel stuck.


Like life is passing me by as I try to keep up with it, but no matter what I do, I stay in the same place.


I buried my grandmother this week. My last living grandparent. The grandparent who was my parents age when my parents had my siblings and me. The circle of life is hitting a bit too close to home this week.


This funeral was hard. So hard. So good to see all of my family. But so hard to say goodbye.


My parents are getting older. I'm getting older. The gray hairs on my dog's muzzle seem to multiply every month. Everything seems to hit just a little bit harder. It's all a little bit more serious. 


I haven't touched my bar study materials in a week. The bar exam is now in 38 days. Shit.


I feel like I've lost the ability to see joy in the world. How can that be on a day like today that is so beautiful with the waves in the Sound, the sun shining after a week of snow and white, puffy clouds dancing across the sky?


I know I need to give myself time, but it feels like I've tried that and I'm back here again. Stuck. Continuously moving and not getting anywhere.


And just when I think that at least I'm doing ok and can keep it together on the outside, B shows me this and I lose it. Back to crying the tears that I've cried all this week and month.


Everyone says it will get better. And I have faith that it will. It would just be nice to know when.

4 comments:

  1. I wish I could tell you when ... but all I can do is sympathize. It's been a sorrowful season and I relate to so much to what you've written. *Hugs*

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  2. There's just no way to know when. I lost my grandmother in October, a week after a miscarriage of a long awaited pregnancy. I was in a little black circle of hell and i was sure I was never coming out of it. But 4 months later I can get through life without crying every day and I know it will only keep getting better with time. It still hurts to think about them but hopefully they are together and happy somewhere.

    Time heals all. Let yourself feel your grief for now, with no apologies.

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  3. I know I don't know you but I happened upon your blog (through dandelionpaperweight) and I can completely relate. I just buried my last living grandparent a couple months ago and the feelings your experiencing...well, let's just say I could have written that post in October. It's weird because all my other grandparents died before I was 13 and this one was so different. There are days I barely think of it and then there are days it's so poignant. And one of the first thoughts I had was how my parents are getting older too (they're both celebrating their bdays this week...59...sounds kinda old to me). Anyways, that said. I get it and God bless.

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  4. I am so sorry. I too no longer have living grandparents. And it does make me think about the life cycle more as well. I'm on the exact same page with you when I look at my dog (he's 7 now) And it hurts my heart. I hate growing up! It will get easier, but it doesn't ever go away. I hope you are able to find moments of joy in a time of grief. And one day be able to look back and smile. xo

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