I'll be honest. I'm having kind of a rough time right now. Nothing really has changed - and perhaps that's the problem. The feeling that nothing is changing and I'm just treading water and not getting anywhere. Reflecting on this past year is both helping and hurting with that, I imagine. I can see that I really have accomplished several goals... but I'm nowhere close to being where I want to be. And that's incredibly frustrating.
It also hasn't really helped that I've started studying for the bar. Which really serves as some sort of odd kick in the pants that I'm back where I was three years ago. Again, intellectually I know that I'm not, but it's a bit disheartening nonetheless (plus, um, studying for the bar sucks. I don't care what anyone else might tell you, spending three months of my life trying to memorize areas of the law that DO NOT apply to my practice does not make me happy).
And so far the holidays aren't helping. I love Christmas. Love it. The lights, the Christmas music, the time spent with family and friends - bring it on. Plus, this is the time of year that B and I got engaged - how can I not love this season? But so far this year I haven't felt it. Maybe it's because we don't have a tree yet. Maybe it's because I feel terrible that I can't get my friends and family gifts that I've found that would be perfect for them (I love to give gifts and for the last several years I haven't really been able to do much in this department because our budget is tight. This sucks a lot). And yes, there's always handmade gifts. But those take time and do you see the above paragraph about studying for the bar? That means that time is in short supply right now.
I think most of all I'm just tired of feeling this way. It's as though I have moments of clarity that things will be fine and we'll get through this, but the rest of my time is spent in this cloudy haze of anxiety and worrying. No matter how many times I tell myself to let it go, it keeps coming back.
I'm feeling stagnant, and I'm tired of it. Tired of feeling as though I'm waiting for something (but I'm not entirely certain what that something is). And I'm not sure how to change this for myself, as I know that's what I need to do (rather than wait for certain things in my life to change, which I have no power over). An attitude adjustment is needed for sure, I'm just not sure where to start. Ideas?