I've been dealing with a roller coaster of emotions lately. A lot of it stems from the fact that these past few months after we moved have been tougher than I expected. Plus, as we get to the end of the year I always tend to bounce between highs and lows moreso than at any other time of the year (Yay for Christmas! Wait, it's the end of the year and there were so many things I was going to accomplish this year! But parties! And people! And fun! And social obligations... and trying to make everyone else happy... and no time to breathe...). But the overriding emotion that I've been feeling lately has been:
I feel so damn guilty about everything these days. The fact that my parents are being so wonderful about this wedding and all of their contributions (financial, mental support, everything), and I feel like I can't give anything back. My friends are being so generous with their time and money, from planning bridal showers and bachelorette parties, to going shopping for their dresses, to coming with me when I bought my own dress. And B - he's in the middle of finals craziness and is still there to give me a hug and tell me that everything will be ok. I should be supporting him right now and keeping everything off his plate, and I can't even do that.
So yeah. That's how I've been feeling. A LOT of this has to do with the fact that I haven't found a job since we moved. No job = no money = I don't feel like I'm contributing my share for a lot of different things. Even though when I'm really honest with myself, I know I am. I know that I'm doing everything in my power to find a job, and I know that I'm keeping our little family going with everything else I do. So why does the lack of money right now, in this instance, stress me out so freaking much? I don't know. I just know that it keeps me up at night. I have always been a very good sleeper, no issues whatsoever. Except recently, I lie awake for hours, running through every eventual scenario, trying to figure out how to make things work. Trying to figure out what else I can do. And then, of course, I'm so exhausted in the morning that I can barely function. Way to go me.
I know this is kind of a downer of a post, but I don't really have an uplifting conclusion for you. I don't know how to fix what I'm feeling except to continually remind myself that I am doing my best. And that my family and friends are doing everything out of love for me and B. It's just... hard right now.