This has been a tough year for me. I've alluded to it in other posts, but basically it boils down to not feeling fulfilled in many aspects of my life. My job wasn't what I wanted, my best friends all lived in other cities, B was having a tough time in this city that wasn't our first choice to move to but that we ended up in because it was where I had found a job. Basically, it feels like we've spent this last year just existing instead of living.
Not to say there haven't been great times this year - we got engaged and are planning our wedding (which of course comes with its own set of stresses...). We have some amazing friends that do live here but who we don't get to see as much as we'd like. But we just aren't living the life that either of us thought we would be right now.
And maybe that's the problem. I haven't even really been able to articulate exactly how I was feeling until I read Marisa's post on Parenthetical Me yesterday. She wrote about how she feels as though she keeps trying to get to there - there being where she is relaxed and content and able to live life how she wants - but she's currently here and doesn't know how to get there.
She is much more articulate than I am on this point, as she writes:
"I keep waiting to go to there, the place where we can enjoy life and do fun things and really live, but instead I'm always here, still planning on how to get there."
I know that I need to stop looking forward all the time and learn how to enjoy where my life is today. Instead of focusing on there where we both have jobs we love, a house of our own, little kids playing in the yard, I need to focus on our current lives. And that is B and Cody, and finding a job that will be a springboard into something else, or maybe just something temporary while I figure out what it is I want to do. It's a little hard at the moment as the next few weeks are going to be filled with preparations for leaving one city and moving to a new one, all of which sort of necessitates looking forward. But I am going to work harder on living for today rather than some indeterminate future. And hopefully that will get me a little closer to making here and there one and the same.
*Please note that there aren't working links in this post. That will be fixed shortly. (They're now fixed!)